Attachment in Therapy
Take a moment to think about the relationships you’ve developed throughout your life, whether going back to childhood or to the conversation you just had with your partner a moment ago.
Think about how you sought/seek acceptance, love or approval from these relationships. How do you react in times of conflict or stress? What does your gut tell you in these moments? How does it push you to behave? How do you think of yourself in relation to others, especially when you are struggling?
The answers to these questions point to important details about your lived experience with attachment, or, the way people connect with others throughout their lifespan.
What is Attachment
Based on attachment theory, as developed by John Bowlby and further expanded by Mary Ainsworth, attachment is the “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings” (Bowlby, 1969). It works to explain how we move towards, move against, or move away from others in times of stress, to borrow from Hartling’s (2000) theories on shame, which can be heavily influenced by attachment. It explains how we connect, or don’t connect, with others emotionally, how we perceive their communication and our role in the relationship, and how we respond to the world around us.
Starting from birth, humans must attach to their caregivers in order to survive, as most animals do. This need is especially great in humans compared to other mammals that are more capable earlier in life. In order for us to gain security and sustenance, a human baby must gain the attention of caregivers through crying. When a parent responds appropriately to that crying, the child is taken care of and a connection is established and strengthened. This connection allows for a child to explore the world confidently while utilizing their caregiver as a secure base to which they can return for reassurance.
Fast forward to when a child is a toddler or a young kid, they may continue to seek the security and safety of their caregiver while they grow towards further independence and form a sense of identity. When a caregiver responds and is able to co-regulate with their child, that is to regulate themselves in order to regulate their child, the connection is again strengthened and the child continues to grow confidently. This may continue through life, but this isn’t always the case.
Take, for instance, the child that goes to their caregiver for comfort but is instead ignored. How does this child create that safety on their own? What about the child that is yelled at for being emotional? What might they learn about their emotions? Consider, as well, the child whose caregiver is a danger to them regularly who learns to isolate and hide to ensure safety. How might their development differ from a child that happily approaches their caregiver for inevitable affection?
Attachment Styles
The four attachment styles as laid out by Bowlby (1969) are Secure, Anxious-Ambivalent, Disorganized, and Avoidant. All can be considered “insecure” attachment styles with the exception of Secure, which is the ultimate goal of caregiving. If you’d like to read more about the attachment styles, Psych Central has a great article on them that can be found here.
The short version is this: Secure attachment styles result from attentive caregivers and can create adults that can form healthy relationships, while the Insecure attachment styles can result in anxiety, dread, insecurity, hypersensitivity, aggression, apathy, and more in relationships.
Why Attachment Matters in Therapy
Since attachment comes into play with all of our relationships, from how we handle opportunities for assertiveness when we are overlooked in the workplace to how we seek support while we are grieving, it is essential for it to be assessed in the therapeutic context as well. When we go into therapy we all have a natural tendency towards some feelings or behaviors indicative of how we have attached with others as we attach with this therapist. A trauma-informed therapist works to notice these dynamics, make clients aware of them and help process them nonjudementally. That therapist can then co-regulate with a client and provide a secure attachment, perhaps the first that this person has experienced, thus paving the way for positive change moving forward.
Insecure attachment in therapy can manifest in some of the following ways:
Missing an appointment and never returning out of fear of criticism
Becoming silent in a session due to anxiety
Seeking a therapist’s approval for life decisions
Becoming upset or angry with a therapist when they don’t respond in a certain way
Not providing a therapist with feedback when something isn’t working
Going with something a therapist recommends, regardless of personal feelings
Seeking a reason to terminate with a therapist
It’s important to note that while some of these can be examples of insecure attachment styles, they are also all natural in some contexts and there can be healthy levels for each of these behaviors and feelings. For example, it makes complete sense to process anxiety around possibly switching jobs with a therapist. What can be more anxiety-inducing is the feeling that we need our therapist to say it’s a good idea in order for us to feel like we can do it. The determining factor might look like an internal compulsion to behave in one way or another and would best be found through consultation with a therapist.
How Does a Therapist Address Attachment
Therapy provides an opportunity for a restorative relationship. In other words, the therapeutic relationship can provide a rubric for how we deserve to be treated and how we can find feelings of security with others. Whether you enter therapy finding it impossible to trust anyone or anxiously examining every change in tone in someone’s voice, therapy can provide a nonjudgmental space where you are accepted regardless.
Therapists do this in the following ways:
Validating how you’re feeling
Remaining calm in the room
Responding appropriately to your emotions
Providing acceptance for you as you are
Processing trauma that has informed your attachment style
When a therapist can remain present with you and allow you to express who you are and what you feel free from judgment, you have an opportunity to move closer toward your therapeutic goals. This is something we at Comeback Counseling: Trauma-Informed Therapy understand, and we have multiple ways of helping you get there and establishing a secure attachment, whether through EMDR, IFS or something else. Get the process started today at comeback-counseling.com/contact.